The Elusive Brother Marv

From The Satire Weakly Chronicle

The shuffling eighty year old is proving to be quite elusive lately as his refusal to check into an AUB sanctioned rehab center continues to fuel rampant speculation regarding the motives of the 80 year old apostle.     However, there have been rumored sightings.  According to sources, Marv Jessop was in attendance at two different church services this past Easter Sunday.  On condition of anonymity, one source confirmed that she spotted Marv in the pews of a common Christian church, smiling, singing, and possibly even tapping his foot to the beat of unsanctioned hymnals. One of Marv’s apostate sons is reportedly the worship leader at that particular church so it might be possible Marv was simply pretending to feign support for one of his wayward lambs. 

Marv further evaded AUB authorities however, as well as his priestly duties of sitting on the stand, and instead allegedly attended a local Mormon sacrament service on the very same Easter Sunday.  Who knows what other churches in the valley he may have attended?  Sources who wish to maintain their anonymity due to the sensitivity of the circumstances report that the bishop of the ward actually came down off of the stand to welcome Marv with a hand shake and a brief whispered exchange.  It is anybody’s guess as to what may have happened during their short conversation but some in the AUB speculate that the former senior apostle may have handed over a set of keys to the Mormon bishop.  “It wouldn’t surprise me a bit!” said one loyal AUB member wishing to remain anonymous.  “After all, Marv is obviously taking direction from his sons who have tried for years to politically position their dad as the one holding the keys and head of the group.”

Self-proclaimed know it all and twice fired basketball coach, who also wishes to maintain his anonymity due to his close ties with those involved, expressed grave concern regarding the rumors of what is quickly becoming known as the Chapel Handshake. “This situation could prove problematic” the former anonymous coach said apprehensively while siting historical precedence in that, ”The AUB will simply not be able to function without those keys, and furthermore, the LDS church has a shaky track record when it comes to hanging on to keys…having lost them at least twice before in 1890 and again in 1978.”

After leaving the LDS ward house Marv mysteriously disappeared for the day.  His next move is unknown and it is anyone’s guess as to where and when he may surface again. 

The Not So Funnies Page